Confession and Forgiveness


I am not sure if this counts as confession since it is anonymous, but I will post this anyway.

The Lord has recently revealed to me the root of certain sins that entered into my life and the behaviors that resulted from this intrusion.

I am 34 years old and have been saved since I was 18.  When I was about 8 years old, a man called my house and I answered the phone. He said he was a sales man, selling stockings.  As I recall it, he asked me if I wanted a pair of stockings.  I don't remember if he said they were free or what the details were surrounding them, but I answered "yes".  He asked for my favorite color and I told him, "purple".  Then he asked if I have any siblings.  I told him, "a brother and sister".  He asked me if I know about the different body parts on girls and boys.  I don't remember my response.  I remember feeling uncomfortable, but I didn't hang up the phone.  I don't remember why no one interrupted my being on the one else was around as far as I remember.  The caller asked me whether or not I knew that if I touched my brother's "private part" that it would stand up.  I told him, "no".  He told me to do it that night - to touch my brother's private part and make it stand up.
 He said he'd call back to make sure that I did it.  I don't remember how we hung up the phone, but I felt really weird.

That night, after my brother fell asleep, I peeked into his underwear and poked at his "private part" then left him alone.  I don't remember whether or not that man called back.

After that incident, I felt a strong curiosity for looking at body parts - male or female, but never really acted out on anything.  It wasn't until I was about 10 years-old that I would start to act out.  It began with me looking under the shirt of a cousin everytime she slept over.  Then it progressed to me looking in her underwear.  I went so far as to put my mouth on her breast one time.  She was a heavy sleeper and never woke up.  I even peeked into my grandmother's night gown one night.  I remember one summer night accidentally seeing my parents having sex and watching through a crack in the door.

There was a two to three year phase of this behavior.  Things became worse when on two occassions I touched my sister.  On one occassion I touched a younger cousin and flashed another.

It all ended around the age of 13 or so and I first had sexual intercourse at 14, which is a whole different thread.  I also remember becoming obesessed with listening to Dr. Ruth on the radio around the pre- and early teen years.  At 10 and 11 years old, I found the show racy.  I even started attempting to masturbate based on what I was hearing callers talk about.

It is amazing to me that the Lord has brought back to me the memory of that man on the phone.  When I became an adult, I wondered why I'd done such things.  Was I molested and just don't remember?  I don't know.  As I said, however, the Lord has recent brought back to me the memories of that caller and I believe it is linked to my behavior.

I am a first semester seminary student and what I've discussed here, along with some other issues, have been brought to the surface through prayer and exercises in a spiritual formation class - which is designed to dig up these kinds of things.  I want to confess them and be rid of the guilt as well as the sins I committed.  I've confessed them to God, but I've not been accountable to anyone else.  I still can't believe I did those things.  I still don't really have an answer to "Why?" other than curiosity.  As far as I can recall, it started with that phone call.  I can still hear his voice, see the room I was in, the rotary phone I was using, and remember the fear/shame I felt after talking to him.  God forgive me.



1Jo 1:9   If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.


Jam 5:16   Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much.


Dennis Says

Curiosity is meant to be part of the creative gift the Lord has placed in us all. It is when we fall for the enemy’s deceptions/lies that we begin to use those gifts in ways the Lord never intended. Confession brings cleansing. Confession brings healing. Confession brings restoration and life. It is important once confession is made to leave it in the tomb and to go on to the new life God has brought in exchange for the old. Receive God's forgiveness...forgive yourself, too...and move on to the glory He has for you!

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