Does God Understand?


I guess i should type this -- cause it has burdened me for long enough.  I did something real bad -- something that most people wouldn't understand.  Have any of you ever felt as if you were lower than or less than dirt?  For about six years now, something has been going wrong with me.  It started with me falling down the stairs and tripping over my feet when i would walk.  I thought my foot was up, but the weakness kept it from going up and then i would just trip over it.  I then noticed my fingers weren't working like they were supposed too -- i could not stretch them out and my grip was getting weaker.  I noticed that it was really hard to swim -- my left arm was totally useless after only a few minutes in a pool.  Naturally, i got real scared and tried to find out what was going wrong.  But no matter how hard i tried -- even after going unconscious and not being able to breathe along side the road of I-81 in Pennsylvania -- it was like i was being turned away.  No one would help.  I could see my life slipping away and was scared of what would happen next.  When everyone beats you down and no one sees you as anything -- you lose hope -- when you pray to god and he doesn't hear your prayers -- and you see your body morphing into something that you don't recognize -- it leaves you mighty scared.  I felt low -- and i did the only thing i could think of -- i injected mud.  When my symptoms would get bad and when it would get really hard to move or talk or walk -- i would end up in a hospital somewhere.  I made sure to carry a small vial of mud in my purse.  I would manage to get a tool that allowed me to inject the mud right into the IV.  I don't know if anyone has ever felt that low and that scared.  I couldn't face another symptom and wanted it to end.  So I simply injected.  Afterall, having such awful contaminents would surely end your suffering, right?  Wrong.  I found many ways to do this for about two years, hoping my life would be over.
 But it didn't end.  Instead, my symptoms are so bad now and i don't know how much damage i did.  I can't tell anyone what i did -- no one knows.  But now it's really hard to move.  I can't grasp the steering wheel of my car.  And i can't straighten my left arm.  My muscles twitch and spasm all the time.  And my left leg is so stiff.  I end up walking on my toes most of the time.  I am so scared and so ashamed -- I don't know how much of this I did with my stupidity of trying to just end it.  I guess what I am trying to say is that I don't have a lot of time left -- it's getting harder to breathe at times.  It's getting harder to walk -- and harder to do things like fold laundry or wash dishes or hold a fork.  I want God to know that I am sorry for what I did -- but I don't think he will understand what it's like to have your body fail and you not understanding why or what will happen next.  I didn't mean to do what i did -- i was just so scared and that was my way out -- so i thought.  I haven't done that stuff in over two years - i have been real good -- really.  Do i ever tell anyone?  And will God understand what i did?



Jam 5:16   Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much.


1Pe 5:6   Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, 1Pe 5:7   casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you.


Dennis encourages…

Fear of rejection often keeps us from the very thing we need to do to get the help we need – and that is to simply get honest with someone else. Our God is all-knowing. He sees you RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE and loves you NO MATTER WHAT. In fact, He loves you enough to not leave you there. I would encourage you to be honest with your physicians and ask the Lord to show you a trusted friend or minister to share your heart with. This is a burden that needs to be shared. You are carrying a load that the Lord intends to be shared with others. Please know you are prayed for right now…and let me know what the doctor tells you. It is impossible to get the help you need if you do not share what is going on with those who provide your medical care. You ARE loved…

Comments (2)add comment
written by Ani , November 29, 2009

Thanks this is very encouraging. Needed to hear this. Now and then I need to hear He will forgive me if I only come to Him, confess and ask forgiveness.

written by Kersti , November 27, 2009


You are not an ordinary bloke down the road. Your life does not belong to you. It's the life of Christ on Earth. You have a very special place in the Body of Christ!!! You're a ligament that binds many to the body. If you weren't there, those people would be in the mud and disconnected from the Body.

It's NOT your life that you can choose to do what YOU want with it. YOU Belong to Jesus. Forever. Doesn't matter what you do to yourself! You can NEVER do anything to make Him love you less. So stop trying already, all those 28 years! It just won't work! He'll love you anyway! And YOU ARE CLEAN. Because of the spotless slain lamb. Be encouraged, Brother!


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