Married But Struggle With SSA

Well, I've never really confessed anything to a computer screen.  And I must admit that it feels a little weird.   I can really relate to DJ's testimony.  I too was raised in church, with questions about my identity in Christ. I was propositioned by an older teen when I was in the 4th grade and felt like it was the actual sexual abuse because of all that I witnessed.  By the time I was in college the Internet was in full swing.  I looked for pictures of naked guys doing the same things that had happened to me.  Instead of this making me feel better I only felt worse and began to think that something was wrong with me.  I knew that my life belonged to Christ and never questioned if same sex attraction was a sin.  So I decided to seek out a good Christian counselor.  I worked through the shame.  And sincerely felt like i had a firm understanding of Who Christ was making me, and who he called me to be.  I continued on in ministry working with teens and leading worship.  Every once in a while I would need a firm reminder of who I was in Christ.  Some comment or situation would bring up the insecurities of my masculinity once again.  I would work it out and all was well.  I have been married for almost three years now with a two year old and one on the way.  I pray that I will be the Father God wants me to be, and the husband.  My wife is aware of the past struggles and insecurities with my masculinity.  But I honestly thought that all of the process was behind me.  I have worked students for the past five years in a large church, and have ministered to other guys and sometimes girls who have shared the same struggles with Identity.  My wife and I are in transition to be involved with a new church plant.  I will be the pastor of worship and community.  I am so looking forward to it and wanting to finish well here in this role.  But here's the problem.  Last night I was tired, alone, spiritually spent from a long day of ministry.  I came home to an empty house and was on the computer right before I went to bed and I clicked on some link that led me to the most terrible pictures.  It was like six years of sobriety all down the drain. But this is a huge deal because my wife would be so hurt and confused.  We have an intimate marriage.  I am not sure what to do or who to tell.  So I am confessing to a computer screen.?!  This is too weird.   I know that I need honest confession.  No cloaks or veils to hide the darkness that was in my heart.  I know that God has changed me.  I can see the difference.  But with set backs like this one I can really doubt the power of the gospel to change.   I have wept, and been in utter turmoil up until I started writing this letter.  my wife is out of town.  I have one friend who I have confessed to here.  (veiled confession) but He is willing to talk to me any hour.
 I really just needed to say exactly what happened.     I feel terrified that I have defamed the name of Christ.  or that His plans of ministry is over for me.  I wrote my wife a letter explaining everything.  I have not decided if I should give it to her.  During this time of transition/pregnancy I think that I should protect her from my inner turmoil, as she looks to me as a leader. I decided to "get Honest" because I need someone to not just know that I am sad for my sin, but to know why my heart is sad.  It is a process for sure.  But I have decided to follow Jesus.  I can not understand why my heart in a weak moment would look back, especially after a long period with no struggle.  Thank you for your site.  Thank you for being a place to confess with no hesitation.  I have never heard you in concert or even own a cd of yours.  But I knew your story and I felt like the Lord impressed on my heart to google you.  Thanks DJ for being brave enough to confess and share your story.  I want to live an honest life before the Lord and before others.

Is anyone among you suffering? {Then} he must pray. Is anyone cheerful? He is to sing praises. Is anyone among you sick? {Then} he must call for the elders of the church and they are to pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord; and the prayer offered in faith will restore the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up, and if he has committed sins, they will be forgiven him. Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much. James 5:13-16 NASB

If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9 NASB

Confession is vital to the healing process…and it is not just a one-time thing. I encourage you to find a brother near you to can share the burden with. Ask the Holy Spirit to guide you to that person or persons…and also ask him for the proper time to get honest with your wife. I made leaps and bounds in my healing when I decided to get honest with everyone about my struggles. You might consider reading my eBook ‘Victim to Victor’ as well. I would encourage you to go to my web site,, and search the 'Need Help?' section. You will find many resources there. You will also want to look at the many resources available at

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